Final Fantasy XIII-2 Epic Fail
by Pink Crystalline Roses
Summary: Crack fic! A collection of epic fails in the Final Fantasy XIII-2 original storyline. Hey, no flaming, I just twisted the storyline into random humor. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yes, dear readers, this is the replacement for ToD! Hope you guys like it!**

**(P.S: This is the first time I wrote a crack fic, so this is the outcome.)**

* * *

**Final Fantasy XIII-2 Epic Fail—Valhalla's Collections**

_- Battle of Valhalla—Valhalla's Shores, Intro -_

Caius carried the lifeless body of Yeul to lie in the sea of Valhalla. The Time Guardian laid the teenager's body gently in the water, her calm face burned into his mind. "This eternity—it was never your desire," he said as the body dissolved into golden mist, running his hand through it. "Isn't that so, Yeul?"

Etro was responsible for all this.

He was going to destroy her.

Yet someone was always in his way—the knight whom he called 'Warrior Goddess'.

He summoned an army of Meonektons from within the water, the Rift Beast chirping noisily into the silent, deadly air. A smug smirk ran across his lips as he looked to the temple and the woman standing on the balcony along with Wyverns rising from behind the temple. "Warrior Goddess," he said, drawing Ragnarok out and engulfed it with purple flames and stepped forward. "Now we cross—"

When he was about to take another step forwards, he tripped on his other foot and fell face first into the cold water and letting out a grunt of surprise. He raised his head again from the water and glared at the knight he saw laughing out loud at the sight before her with his hair dripping.

"—swords." He finished.

* * *

_- Battle of Valhalla—Intro -_

"Husk of the wandering comet... I summon thee!" Caius summoned a pillar of light into the sky, and a Bahamut rune exploded into existence in Valhalla's dark sky. Yes, he was real mad at Lightning who laughed at him when he fell into the water a few minutes ago.

Odin jerked to a halt and the rider, Lightning, glanced upwards to see a barrage of blue meteorites raining down upon Valhalla. The meteorites crashed into Caius's army of Meonektons and killed them easily. Lightning steered Odin into the floating rocks above, but unfortunately a meteorite came in the way and it crashed straight to Odin. Odin neighed and her gunblade flew out of her reach, embedded in a rock far away.

Lightning leaped to latch on a stone before climbing, taking a hold of her gunblade. She gathered momentum by swinging around it before launching herself to her fated opponent. "Caius Ballad!" she cried at the Guardian and readied her weapon beside her. Caius launched a blast of energy at her in anger and annoyance but she dodged it. She glanced upwards for a while and launched the spell to the symbol, shattering it.

She fell down to get to the stone Caius was on, but failed at the final moments when she slammed straight onto Caius, sending both of them toppling down from the stone. The man shot her a 'What the Hell' kind of look before both screamed as they fell down to the ground.

* * *

_- The Battle of Valhalla—Part 1, Odin -_

Lightning snapped her eyes open.

Yes, she was falling straight to the ground after toppling over the drenched Caius. "Odin!" she called out to the faithful Eidolon. Yet none of his thunderous footsteps are heard. She glanced to the shores—

...And witnessed the most unbelievable sight.

Odin was slacking in his humanoid form by the lapping crystal waves near Valhalla's shores with his legs crossed and arms behind his head. Beside him was Shiva Nix, and next to the female Eidolon was her twin sister, Shiva Stiria. Beside Stiria was Bahamut, _her _Bahamut to be specific, all in the same positon like the one Odin was in.

And Chaos Bahamut—he was playfully burying himself in the sands instead of being with Caius.

"..." Lightning's jaws dropped slack at the sight. Then she looked back at the ground and remembered that she was falling—Lightning let out a scream as she crashed to the ground like a bullet with a loud and clearly sickening _boom._

Meanwhile, Odin snapped his head at the explosion's source. Nix tapped his shoulder and gave him a 'Never Mind That' kind of look. Odin shrugged a shoulder and took his cape off before draping it on the ground beneath him, and laid back down to enjoy the view (even when there's no sun, moon, weather or the likes in Valhalla).

* * *

- _The Battle of Valhalla—Part 2, Bahamut -_

Odin rushed to Lightning's side and tapped her arm with his fingertips gently. Lightning stirred and sat up slowly with anger swirling in her aqua pools. "Why don't you come?" she hissed at the Eidolon who backed away in fear. Lightning let out a sigh. "Sorry." Odin transformed into his usual horse form and Lightning mounted him, and he rushed with lightning speed.

...

Odin placed Lightning safely on a building's top. He gave her a respectful look before vanishing into nothingness, rejoining once again with her heart. A bright light caused her to look upwards.

"Etro's Gate?" she said, staring into the gate's divine light. A lone figure clad in blue came falling from it.

_Of course. The one from the vision. I know your name._

_Noel Kreiss._

Noel snapped his eyes open and realized that he was plummeting down to his death, and started to panic. Lightning took out her rose-shaped Eidolith and jumped down from the building while slashing the crystal. Silver-to-purple runes materialized from a cloud of darkness in the silent skies and from the heavens, emerged Bahamut—the Sky King.

"Whoa!" Noel exclaimed, facing downwards to see that he fell down quicker. He saw an armored woman riding an Eidolon resembling Bahamut. "What in the—"

Lightning reached out her hand to Noel, the eighteen-year old reaching his to her. "Just a bit—"

Unfortunately, Bahamut flapped his wings too hard at the final moments and the gusts of wind blew straight to Noel—slamming his body against a skyscraper's exterior.

"More..." she finished nervously at the sight.

* * *

_- Battle of Valhalla- End -_

Lightning carried the unconscious Noel atop a building after Bahamut landed safely. _Damn it... You're really heavy. _She cursed inwardly.

Lightning rested the brunette on the cold roof and kneeled beside him. _Sorry, but I gotta do this. _She raised a hand and let out an inaudible sigh, then planned her next move.

She swung her palm across Noel's face and in other words, slapping him harshly.

"Gah! What happened?" the eighteen-year old gave an annoyed look and cradled his bruised cheek with his right hand. "Bahamut flapped his wings too hard and that slammed you to a building's exterior." Lightning scoffed. Noel turned around and glared at the Eidolon who was looking down guiltily (but that's still horrid... and scary).

"You slammed me against a building's exterior? You bitch!" he yelled at the Eidolon who gave him a frown (that made Bahamut's expression even scarier). Lightning face-palmed at the sight.

_Etro... this isn't supposed to happen._

"Enjoying your little chat?" A voice sounded from another building's roof. Noel stopped yelling immediately at the mechanical dragon and turned his head towards the speaker. "C-Caius?!" he shot the Guardian a confused look. "Get to the gate. I'm counting on you!" she readied a stance as Caius transformed into Chaos Bahamut (then she'd ask herself mentally: "How the hell can that Eidolon be here again after slacking on the beach?").

"Not this again," Lightning saw Chaos Bahamut summoned a larger crystalline meteorite from the sky. "Odin!" the knight had decided to appear in fear of a death threat from his master.

"Gotta go!" Noel jumped off the building's roof as the meteorite started to tear Valhalla apart. "Just a bit more!" he reached out to the time gate.

But miserably, instead of getting a grip on it, he fell headfirst and knocked his head to the Gate's metal plating. But it swallowed him anyway, saving him from falling debris.

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**A/N: Done with this chap! How do you like it, guys? Love it? Hate it?**

**Just tell me what your thoughts are about this fic!**

**~ Crystal**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Sorry for all the readers out there that are waiting for an update of this fic, I'm too busy concentrating on my other fanfic so I can't think of anything for this one. And I'm also really sorry for not updating in more than a week... I'm on vacation at the time.**

**Thanks for legionfulminante and BlueDragon2908 for liking this story! I never expected those likes but thanks anyway!**

**Off we go in the second chap.**

**Final Fantasy XIII-2 Epic Fail—New Bodhum's Collections**

_~ New Bodhum, 3 AF ~_

Serah awoke to find the yard in front of the NORA House deserted. There was no plant, no animal, nor humans. She hugged herself at the sight and started to explore the area.

"Where on Pulse is this?" she asked herself. Church bells tolled at the backgrounds, like the bells of death calling out to her. "There's nothing here... Is this the afterlife? B-But, h-how did I die?" the twenty-one year old Farron turned her head around, but saw nothing except strange black mist.

"Maybe if I'm dead... then I can find Lightning." Serah said. Her search came up empty and she started to grow desperate, falling onto her knees and started sobbing. She widened her eyes and let out a gasp as she snapped back into reality. It was her hometown New Bodhum, in utter chaos with NORA members and villagers fighting winged creatures with sharp claws.

"Serah, over here!" Maqui called out to her, but when she was about to run to Maqui, a Meonekton appeared from a burst of light in front of her. "No, please don't," she pleaded at the hovering creature. "Ah!" she toppled down to the ground after tripping over a soldier's body. "Lightning, help me!" she cried out desperately, shielding herself.

A barrage of gunshots came from the Meonekton's right. Lebreau fired repeatedly at the creature with a fierce battle-cry, and finished it off. "Get a hold of yourself!" Lebreau yelled in front of her face and crouched beside her, gripping her wrist. "Lightning can't protect you anymore! She's—" Lebreau was cut off when a Meonekton rammed one of its legs, knocking her down a few feet away.

"Lebreau!" she called out desperately when another Meonekton materialized in front of her. A barrage of magical arrows came from somewhere. "You want her?!" a new voice sounded from afar. "Then you've gotta go through me first!"

Noel jumped from the heights, but landed face-first into the sand with a not-so-graceful manner. Serah shot the brunette a questioning look. "Uh... Are you okay?"

_- Winding Way, New Bodhum 3 AF Post Gogmagog -_

A group of Spiceacilians appeared from some bushes. "Mog!" Serah called out to the faithful Moogle. "Kupo!" he said and transformed into the Starseeker.

Noel grabbed his Flame Fossil from his back and got into a stance. He was lucky to live after he got slammed into one of the buildings in Valhalla yesterday. Oh, and don't forget when he fell face-first into the sand right in front of Serah.

He rushed to stab one of the frog-lizard creature and casted some Blizzard spells. Serah finished the rest of them quickly with her Fire spells and arrows. Noel returned his twin blades back into their usual place before backing off to Serah's position. "Hey, we're lucky—"he turned around to see her gone. He rushed to the cliff's edge and yelled a loud "SERAH!" into the air.

Then he realized his mistake.

He looked down the cliff, into the waters. Serah and Mog popped their respective heads from the water and coughed uncontrollably. "Noel, you ass!" Serah yelled furiously at the brunette who shoved her down the cliff. "You're rude, Kupoooo!" Mog added to his owner's comment.

"S-Sorry! I didn't mean to!" Noel flailed his arms in panic in fear of a death threat.

_Three straight fails... Damn yourself, Kreiss._

_~ New Bodum, 3 AF ~_

"Hey, how do we get that treasure?" Serah asked, still annoyed after she was pulled out from the water. She had slapped Noel hard to make sure that he regretted it. She was now towel drying her hair and Mog was wrapped in another.

"I don't know..." Noel replied sheepishly, rubbing the spot where the young pink haired woman slapped him. "You don't have to slap me that hard, you know." Serah narrowed her eyes at the brunette. Suddenly he acted like he was a five-year old kid. "I GOT IT!" he exclaimed, nearly making her fall from her chair. "We can throw Mog to get that thing!"

"What are you, a kid or an insane guy?" she yelled at Noel, standing up to meet him face-to-face. "I won't do it, Kupo! That's too rude, Kupo!" Mog protested, flailing his staff around. Wordlessly, Noel snatched the Moogle and ran outside in warp speed.

"Noel!" Serah protested, and rushed outside without tying her hair back to its usual style.

Meanwhile, Noel fled from an angry Serah and into the meteorite's impact site. He grinned at the squirming Moogle in his hand and used his throwing arm. He grasped at Mog's super sized head and aimed him at a treasure sphere nearby, "Giddy up!" he then tossed Mog with his full strength at the floating sphere.

"Kupokupo!" Mog soared through the air with high speed and hit his large pink nose at the sphere. He turned around to the direction where Noel had tossed him and cried out angrily, "I'm gonna make you regret it, Kupo! I'll tell Serah that you hit me, KUPOOO!"

A still laughing Noel turned around, and met face-to-face with an extremely furious Serah. "I'm gonna make sure you regret throwing Mog!" she dragged him behind her by his collar, receiving some nervous glances from people passing by.

Serah dragged the desperate Noel to the cliff where she fell, and shoved him down the cliff until he hit the water. She dusted imaginary dust from her dress and left to where he threw Mog, fuming.

...

Meanwhile, Noel swam to the beach soon enough after he managed to pop his head out of the water. "Damn it Serah!" he yelled angrily into the air, and started to walk to the NORA House.

_- Meteorite Impact Site, New Bodhum 3 AF -_

"Mog!" Serah called out worriedly to the Moogle lying near a sphere. "Are you okay?"

Mog quickly shook his super sized head no and flailed his clock staff thingy around, "Of course not, Kupo! Noel's really a sick jerk face, Kupo!" Serah frowned angrily at it. "No worries Mog," she pets the Moogle's head. "I'm gonna make sure he regrets that."

"Let's do it, Kupo!" Mog hovered around her. "I can't wait for us to kill him, Kupo!"

Then he laughed maniacally and followed his owner back to the NORA House.

...

"Whoa, what happened to you?"

Gadot laughed upon seeing the drenched Noel, who grumbled something under his breath. "Serah," the brunette gritted his teeth angrily. "She shoved me down the cliff at the Winding Way."

The whole room glanced nervously at each other, and then burst out laughing. Lebreau laughed so hard that she had tears in the corners of her eyes and Yuj banged the nearby coffee table. "What's so funny?" Noel asked sharply—knotting his eyebrows in anger. "You should've been more careful with Serah. She'll give you a stream of endless scolding if you don't behave." Maqui said.

"Alright, WHERE IS THAT JERK I'M LOOKING FOR?!"

Serah came stomping into the House with Mog hovering beside her. "Who?" Yuj asked sheepishly. "NOEL!" the younger Farron replied angrily.

The whole room gave Noel a nervous glance, then at Serah. "Noel, run for your life!"

Noel immediately zoomed to Serah's room past the other NORA members and shut the door behind him. "I'll get you!" Serah chased the brunette to her room and banged at the door. "Open now!" "NO!"

_- Meteorite Impact Site, New Bodhum 3 AF -_

After chasing Noel around New Bodhum for hours on end, Serah managed to corner him near some trees before dragging him to the Meteorite Impact Site, before slapping him (again) and making him say sorry to Mog.

The younger Farron had tied her hair back to its usual style all the way grumbling something, with Mog sitting on her lap and snuggling close to her. Noel rubbed the same spot she slapped him and sat down on the ground. "You ready to go yet?" he asked lazily and stretched his arms. "As soon as I say goodbye to the others." Serah replied.

"So say it now."

"I don't want to."

"Now."

"No."

Shrugging, Noel walked to the Time Gate they uncovered last night and took the artefact out. "_Come on._" He emphasized the word with a glare at Serah, whom glared back into his eyes. "What if I can't return?" she asked. "You will, I guarantee that."

Nodding, Serah stood up and dusted the back of her white dress and Mog followed her to the Gate. "Now, we gotta use this thingy here to open the gate." Noel lifted the artefact and the Gate shined a bright golden light before the orb in the center started to spin. "Let's go."

The time travelers vanished into the gate in a flash and into the Crux.

...

"What the heck is this place?"

Serah gave a curious glance at the spinning rings inside the Historia Crux. "We're in the Historia Crux, Kupo. It's the crossroads of time where you can travel across periods, Kupo." Mog replied as he flailed his clock staff around. "Where'll we go?" "I dunno."

"Hey Noel," she called out to the brunette, "Do you know someone with purple hair?"

"What, Caius?" he gave her a curious look. "I saw him in my dream. I saw him about to engage my sister in a battle, but strangely he tripped and fell face-first into the water he's standing on instead. Is he really an idiot or something?" Serah tilted her head to the side. "Well, what I know of him is that he's a great warrior. Maybe your dream isn't correct."

Shrugging, she averted her gaze into the endless rings and continued to stare into the void.

Who knows, maybe this 'Historia Crux' thingy will take them to her sister. _Just maybe._


End file.
